Are You Asking or Telling?: Helping Your Child Learn Respectful Communication

"Get me a snack."
"Open this."
"Come here."

Do these phrases sound familiar?

Many children naturally communicate by telling rather than asking. While it can come across as rude, it's important to remember that, for many kids, it's not about being disrespectful. They may be communicating quickly, acting on impulse, struggling to organize their thoughts, or simply using the communication style that has worked for them in the past.

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Asking vs. Telling

Telling sounds like giving someone an order or expecting them to do something immediately.

Examples:

• "Get me a drink."

• "Open this."

• "Come here."

• "Gimme it."

• "You do it."

Asking communicates the very same need, but in a respectful, collaborative way.

Instead, encourage phrases like:

• "Can you get me a drink, please?"

• "Can you help me open this?"

• "Will you come here for a minute?"

• "Could you hand me that, please?"

The goal isn't perfection, it's helping children recognize that how we communicate matters just as much as what we're trying to say.

Why It Matters

• Children often communicate with others the same way they communicate at home.

• As parents, we naturally want to help our children and may respond quickly when we're given a command. But peers, siblings, teachers, and coaches are much less likely to respond positively to being told what to do.

• Practicing requests at home helps children build communication habits that carry into friendships, school, extracurricular activities, and everyday life.

What Can Parents Say?

Instead of immediately correcting your child or saying, "Say it nicely," use the moment as an opportunity to teach.

When your child gives a command, calmly ask:

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

This simple question encourages children to pause, reflect, and independently rephrase their request.

If they need a little more support, try:

• "Can you ask me instead?"

• "How could you say that another way?"

• "I'd love to help when you ask."

When your child successfully rephrases their request, provide specific praise:

• "I like how you asked!"

• "I'm happy to help when you ask like that."

Positive feedback helps children understand exactly which communication skills you want them to continue using.

When Commands Are Really About Control

For some children, giving commands isn't intentionally bossy. Instead, it may be their way of:

• Creating predictability during uncertain situations

• Reducing anxiety by trying to control their environment

• Acting before thinking because of impulsivity

• Expressing a need before organizing their language

• Using a communication strategy that has been successful in the past

If adults consistently respond immediately to commands, children may unintentionally learn that telling people what to do is the fastest way to get their needs met.

By gently prompting them to turn a command into a respectful request, you're helping them practice flexibility, patience, and collaborative communication.

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